Nothing To Fear But The Truth

Could the real-life Leatherface please stand up!

— Trigger Warnings: Horror, Murder, Serial Killers —

Whether I am looking for a creepy book to read, a big (or small) budget cinematic thrill, the intense build up of a dark TV series, or an unsettlingly atmospheric video game experience, as a big fan of horror media, part of me is always looking out for that next big scare.

Ultimately, they are fairly easy to find – horror novels, movies, series and games are a dime a dozen and the challenge is usually finding the ones that are actually worth your time.* Often the most effective horror often comes not from the jump-scares and gore, but from the reflection of our own deep-rooted psyches and realities. This is exactly why so many horror films are so subjective or divisive – what it takes to scare one person is completely different to what it takes for another.**

One of the most common tropes in horror is the suggestion that something is ‘based on true events’ or is ‘the true story’ about one thing or another. The found footage sub-genre is entirely rooted in this central conceit, which serves to be simultaneously its biggest strength (especially when people do not realise/choose to ignore that it is fiction) and its greatest downfall (when it becomes just too outlandish or silly – for example with the later Paranormal Activity or Hell House LLC entries).

More often than not, we know that the claims of ‘truth’ in this context are stretching the definition. It’s a trick to make us engage more with a story, and as consumers we willfully buy into it for our own entertainment. And there is nothing wrong with that, its what we pay our hard earned cash for.

But what about when it isn’t? And what about when the truth is actually a whole lot worse?


The original Texas Chainsaw Massacre opens with the text and narration about ‘the tragedy which befell a group of five youths, in particular Sally Hardesty and her invalid brother, Franklin.’ From the get-go it is set up like a ‘true’ story about a group of young people out for an ‘idylic summer afternoon drive’ who come face to face with the ‘mad and macabre’ of real-life horror. When discussing the film in a recent video on my TikTok channel @ahf.horror, I noted that this is exactly why this film is so effective – it creates an atmosphere of ‘this could have happened to you.’

Technically, of course, it couldn’t. The Sawyer family, with iconic chainsaw-wielding killer Leatherface front and centre, isn’t real.

But Ed Gein was.

Born in 1906 and living most of his life in Plainfield Wisconsin, Edward Theodore Gein was also known as the ‘Butcher of Plainfield’ and the ‘Plainfield Ghoul.’ Remaining outside the classification of ‘serial-killer’ on a technicality***, Gein is arguably one of the most horrifying, and certainly amongst the most influential, criminals in US history.

I use the word criminal, rather than killer, quite deliberately as the overal extent of his violent nature is unclear. What is clear, however, is that upon his arrest in 1957 for the murder of Bernice Worden the police found his property full of paraphernalia made from human remains. I won’t go massively into the details, they are easy enough to find out about with a quick google search, but notable among the finds were several human-skin masks and what appear to have been items of clothing. It is generally understood that Gein wanted to make a woman suit that represented his deceased mother.

Sound familiar?

Leatherface, Buffalo Bill, Norman Bates – these are just a few of what is basically a necrophilic smörgåsbord of pop-culture horror ‘icons’ all inspired by Ed Gein and his crimes. Gein is not alone – using Silence of the Lambs alone you can find that Hannibal Lector is likely inspired by combination of killers including serial killers Albert Fish and Andrei Chikatilo, as well as Doctor Alfredo Ballí Treviño whom Thomas Harris met in the 1960s.****

As wild and unlikely as the ultra-violence of Art the Clown, Jason Voorhees or any number of horror villains might be, the fact of the matter is that ultimately these things do happen. People like this do exist and technically anyone can be a victim. All of which is to say that beneath the silver-screen guts and gore, the page-turning thrillers and the pulse-pounding video-game chases, lies a simple fact: the truth is not only stranger than fiction, but also significantly more terrifying.

It could, in fact, happen to you.


(But it probably won’t!)


* I have previously commented on the likes of the Insidious franchise or Midsommar (which I love), as well as horror-action game flops such as Predator: Hunting Grounds.
** Skinamarink is a great example. For some it taps into the child-like state of confusion and abandonment that resonates so deeply for those that might have their own traumas or experiences. But for others it is a slow, confusing, grainy mess of a film in which nothing happens. (I may write a proper review at some point.)
*** Only two murders were explicitly tied to him, meaning that he falls short of the ‘three or more’ that typlically meets the definition of serial killer.
**** You can find out more about the inspiration for Lector on the Wikipedia entry about the character.

It’s Been A Hot Minute

Since I’ve Been Gone…!

I do not quite know how to start this, my first post in just over a year and a half…

I could start with an apology. To you, whoever you might be, when reading this – perhaps you enjoyed my previous posts and have wondered why I am so quiet, or perhaps you are new and have noticed this big gap. Or maybe to myself, for promising to get back to it, to write something to try again and just never getting around to it. However, an apology would probably feel disingenuous – it is something that is socially expected in some ways, but honestly I do not think that it really serves anyone.

Besides, there are reasons that I haven’t been writing as much.

So maybe I should start with those. My mental health has been an absolute shambles and I have been struggling to get things back on track. I had thought that getting a confirmed diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder* would make things easier, but actually all it did was make me more aware of the things that I struggle with. I have also switched medication twice – once to try something else and then again back onto what I was originally on because the ‘new’ one really didn’t work! I’ve made some significant progress, though. Thanks to my diagnosis I was finally able to get some deep-level psychotherapy that helped to further identify, recognise and accept some of my key triggers. So it’s a mixed bag, really.

My physical health has not been much better. My blood pressure is now under control more than it was when I last posted, which is much better. However, I’ve had some other challenges come up that I won’t give details on for now. I’ve had some significant issues with my weight, with it really feeling like a losing battle after doing so well a few years ago. Meanwhile my Restless Leg Syndrome has been truly awful – I intend to write a longer post about this sometime soon, so bear with me, but the short version is that I had to come off the previous medication meaning that things have simultaneously gotten worse and better!**

I’ve also just been far more busy professionally. My job at the University has been moving forward from strength to strength, and I have been so focussed on locking it down and getting to grips with the details that it has been taking up a lot of my brain-space. Not only that, but I have recently started training to become a qualified counsellor, which is really exciting. I am still years away from certification, but I am firmly on the road that I want to travel.

So what now?

I have some plans for what I want to do now – particularly with this website and with my writing overall. Whether or not I get there is another matter completely, but thats another story.***

In general it looks like this:

  1. Write more as a reflective blog – even if nobody else is really reading it, it is helpful and important for me.
  2. Get back to writing poetry! I’ve slipped from this a bit, and I need to get back into the swing of it. I have a project that I want to get properly moving on, as well, so watch this space!
  3. Start writing up some more reviews – about anything, really, as I’ve done up till now, but also perhaps focussing a little more on my niche. Which leads to…
  4. Develop my niche as a horror enthusiast – more reviews, create a HorrorTok channel on TikTok (or YouTube?), engage more with other creators, etc. etc..
  5. Play around a bit more with short stories and fiction writing – I recognise in myself that I tend to get carried away and forget to start small and build from there.

This seems like plenty to be getting on with for now, I reckon.

Wish Me Luck!

So that’s that, really. I don’t know how long this latest burst of energy and creativity will last, but it is at least something to get me going. It might sound like a lot, but actually those 5 intentions are all relatively managable considering some of the other changes an adaptations that I hope to make with things.

We’ll see how it goes. Whatever happens, I look forward to (attempting to be) taking you on the journey with me and hope that you continue to find my various little bits and pieces interesting.

Lots of Love,
Aisla

* Oh yeah, this happened I guess!
** Confusing, right? Try living it!
*** Short version is that I have a tendency to say ‘ok, I will now journal every day’ or whatever and then it lasts nowhere near long enough to become an ingrained habit. My brain is a bit too chaotic for habit forming at times, at least for the good ones!

Are Childless Women Condemned to be ‘Less Than Real Women’?

Pronatalism, Womanhood and Transphobia

Trigger Warning for Sexism, Transphobia, Childlessness, Bullying, Harassment, etc.

So, I learned about something new recently that has made my little brain-cogs twist and turn. It’s something that I was aware of, and I am sure will come as no surprise to many people. But I did not realise actually had a name. Furthermore, once I learned about it, a little bell started to ring in regards to transgender issues, transphobia and bio-essentialism. The more I thought, the more I realised the intersecting strands and the more I realised that this is something we should be discussing about more.

I am talking, of course*, about pronatalism – the active promotion, and often coercive stimulation, of increasing birth rates, family sizes and generally having children.

Before we go any further, there is an important caveat to everything I am about to write. This is a complex and sensitive issue, and I vehemently stress that I am not an expert on pronatalism or the effect of childlessness on someone. For that I refer you to Gateway Women and also to Jody Day (who is actually the inspiration for this discussion).

Furthermore, I am well aware that within what follows is a somewhat simplified explanation of the issue as I understand it. I also discuss some of the more extreme pronatalist viewpoints. While I aim for accuracy, I do make mistakes and there is room for my misunderstanding. I will own them if I need to.

Now to the main discussion.

As a species, we are surrounded by pronatalism almost everywhere we look. Whether it be governments incentivising childbearing and large family units, the removal of reproductive rights and access to birth-control and healthcare**, or pro-babymaking propaganda by right-wing or otherwise conservative groups and countries, it is all over the place.

On a ‘smaller’ scale, more recognisable to most of us who cannot have/do not want/missed out on/ do-not-have-for-whatever-reason children, pronatalism exists perniciously in our workplace cultures and daily interactions.

If you do not respond positively or enthusiastically to a colleague’s baby-news, you are often seen as being rude or unpleasant. A lack of interest in, or in some cases complete aversion to, babies and children is almost always seen as abnormal and can result in social exclusion. Women without children often face patronising, dismissive or outright cruel commentaries on their lives.

Pronatalism is, among many things, an enemy of feminism and a product of patriarchy. It reduces women and their worth to their reproductive capacity (or lack thereof) and props up an idea that having children is somehow the ultimate goal in life, and if you do not meet that goal then you are a failure.

Are childless women condemned to be ‘Less Than Real Women’? Unfortunately, all too often the answer to this question is yes. By not having children, you are lacking a fundamental aspect of ‘true womanhood’ and as such are invalidated as a woman. In some ways this might be at the extreme end of the spectrum and yet, it is more common that you would think.

At its core lies an adherence to a bio-essentialist view of what it means to be a woman and to be a mother. Motherhood is one of those things that is so heavily gatekept, yet at the same time constantly glorified, usually to the detriment of what actually makes up a majority of women.

I have seen countless social media posts that try to argue that you can only ‘know true motherhood [read ‘womanhood’] if you have actually carried a child in your own body’. If you haven’t then you ‘don’t know what it is like’ and are all the worse for it. If you have not been through the physical trauma that pregnancy puts on the human body and overcome the various medical and sometimes life-threatening challenges, then you cannot truly know what it is to be a woman and a mother.

But what about all of those people that cannot/do not have children for whatever reason – are they somehow not women? Is the mother of an adopted child in some kind of lower status of motherhood? Of course not, that would be ridiculous wouldn’t it? Women are women irrespective of if/how/when kids are involved, surely.

It is here that the relevance to transgender issues comes clearly into focus. One of the biggest ‘weapons’ that transphobes and gender criticals throw at transwomen is that we cannot bear children and as such can never truly call ourselves women. Our physiology dictates that we cannot meet this essential definition and thus we are, similarly, ‘less than’ those who can bear children.

 We are merely ‘pretending’, ‘appropriating’ and ‘ridiculing’. Additionally, we can never know what it means to be a woman, apparently, because we do not menstruate and cannot be pregnant and so don’t know the true suffering that is some kind of badge of ‘true’ or ‘real’ womanhood.***

For many transgender women their inability to bear children really, truly and deeply hurts, and pronatalist viewpoints rub salt into a very open wound.

Furthermore, there are those that have been ‘fathers’ pre-transition who find themselves facing discrimination and erasure when trying to re-frame their relationships, their role and identity almost always being categorised in male terms. They are not allowed to be mothers, certainly, and in some cases are not even allowed to be parents anymore.

The issue affects transgender men as well. Transmen are denied the right to be seen as fathers, pregnancy can be a hugely traumatic and dysphoric experience, and a decision not to have children at all further deepens the betrayal of the ‘sisterhood’. Once again, they are deemed as ‘less than’ because of their ability/willingness to bear children. Once again, they are side-lined and stigmatised as a direct result of harmful pronatalist ideals.****

While the surface issues (and how to combat them) might have different variations and impacts, it is clear that there is a strong link between pronatalism and transphobia. The two go hand in hand. If you are someone who thinks that being childless is somehow a failing or reflects a person’s validity as a ‘real woman’ then no matter how much you might think you are an ally of transwomen you are by default dismissing and belittling them and their experiences. Similarly, if you try to hold to a bio-essentialist view of womanhood that actively excludes transwomen then you are similarly insulting and erasing the validity of childless women.

Now, gender critical folks will argue that there is a difference. They will bring things down to the level of being born with a uterus and the ‘capacity’ to have children – irrespective of the existence of infertility, intersex people and the, albeit rare, instances where a baby is born without a uterus yet is still physiologically female in all other respects. But does this really help their argument? They are still defining a woman by reproductive capability and acting like this is the main determinant factor. When and how this happens is irrelevant. If you cannot have children then you are not truly a woman.

This thinking is abhorrent on so many levels.

As a society, as a species, we will never be able to truly break down the inequalities and divisions amongst us as long as ideas such as these remain mainstream. For the good of everyone, we need to be aware of them and challenge them. We need more people like Jody Day and the amazing people at Gateway Women. We need more people to realise the importance of intersectionality and to truly understand that no viewpoint exists in a vacuum.***** We need to be talking about these issues and how they have direct consequences on peoples’ lives and wellbeing.

But more especially:

WE NEED TO STOP DEFINING WOMANHOOD BY WHETHER OR NOT SOMEONE CAN HAVE CHILDREN!!!

*It’s in the title, you knew this was coming!

** Looking at you Supreme Court of the Unites States…

*** I feel like the issues inherent in viewing true ‘womanhood’ as being based in suffering are fairly self-evident. Less evident, perhaps is the irony in this from people who also try to celebrate pregnancy as some kind of perfect, unfailingly joyful miracle when for many it is anything but.

**** As a transgender woman, I am not really in a position to be any sort of authority on this, and I do not want to put words into the mouths of others. Nevertheless, it is essential that their experiences be acknowledged. I invite my transmasc brothers and siblings to take the baton if they feel the urge!

***** And to realise that accepting intersectionality does not mean prioritising one group over another, but rather means acknowledging and accepting the challenges of others and understanding the ways in which they overlap.

Wind on Alww Eitbhe – (Short Story Part 3 of 3)

‘Ok. I reckon this is a drill, but lets act like it is real, ok?’ The unit nods, there is no doubt that, for now at least, Aeythi is their self-appointed leader. ‘This is what we do. Sergeant Ptrro went to the com-tent some time ago and has not returned. My conclusion would be, if this was real, that he’s receiving orders through the secret-secret command channels and should not be disturbed. We need to form a defensive perimeter around the tent.’

Looking at his friend-brothers, he points at two of them and begins giving orders. ‘Beta Group, you go with Tden and take Westward positions, Gamma you’re with Xjarni, take Eastward. Alphas, you will take point with me and Btontu in front of the tent. I need two sneak-scouts; Llio and Fguur, go to the high-highs and request a sit-rep and report back to me. Quick quick. Like I said, we treat this as the real thing – weapons hot.’

Rough around the edges as they are, each of the cadets sets about their tasks and takes up their positions. With barely a sound, two of the smallest pick up their light weapons and set off into the distance, their heads low. In the harsh light of the sun, bolt-metal glints reflect from the barrels of guns, locked and loaded in the boys’ hands. Without instruction half of each unit takes the forward defence, kneeling with rifles cocked and alert. Meanwhile the other half steady themselves, rooted to the ground so as to avoid being knocked off their feet by recoil should they have to open fire.

Overall, the whole procedure takes a total of 4 minutes and 48 seconds – a personal record for this company of recruits.

Half an hour comes and goes. Around them all, silence thickens. Still no word comes from the com-tent and it becomes increasingly apparent that there is no activity inside. If someone had heard the commotion they would have come out to investigate, surely. Someone would have checked on them. Aeythi and Btontu look at each other slowly.

‘Should… do I… do we… go in?’ Despite the authority he currently commands, Aeythi can feel panic on the periphery of his senses. He looks to the others for validation.

‘Y-yes? At this point it is worth the beating if we’re wrong.’

‘Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.’

With a deep breath Aeythi turns away from the defence-line and walks to the entrance of the tent. Only now does he smell something strange in the air. Something he can’t place. It is sweet, like floral syrup, but laced with an acridity that was like nothing he’d ever smelled before. He did not know that this was the smell of ozone. If he had he would not have even considered entering the tent.

A burst of static in an earpiece informs him that a message from Llio and Fguur is incoming. ‘Alpha leader – Sitrep from high-highs. All quiet. Too quiet. Tree movement continuing.’

‘Thank you, sneak-scout, – any word from command units?’

‘Negative. Proceed with caution Aeythi.’

‘Will do. Alpha Leader Out.’

Behind him Btontu shifts uncomfortably from foot to foot. ‘Are we getting any backup? Should we wait?’

Aeythi sighs. ‘No. We do our duty. Form up!’

One by one the boys line up in order of rank and importance. Btontu takes his place at the rear to ensure that none of the others step out of line. Tentatively, they move forward and Aeythi reaches out to open the tent door.

Inside he sees carnage the likes of which will haunt his memories for many many cycles.

Blood. So much blood and gore beyond his most grim imaginings. On the walls are crimson splashes from the lacerated arteries of the com-tent personnel. One had even had her head severed completely from her body. At the back, two of them seemed to have tried to put up a fight, their corpses hold guns that still smoked from recent round discharge. The air, still laced with the odour of ozone, is filled with rank excrement and urine – the smell of death.

Aeythi fights hard not to add his own vomit to the stench.

How could this have happened? He asks himself. We were right there the whole time. We would have heard something, surely. Fuck! What do I do now?

With this a chilling realisation dawns upon him. Among the dead there is one body missing – the sergeant.

Suddenly the air around him begins to crackle. If he didn’t know better he could swear he felt a gentle breeze on his face. In the middle of the room, a dark circle begins to glow – seeming to defy all known laws of physics.

‘Oh boy…’ comes a voice from the blackness, ‘if only you’d stayed outside.’

From beyond the veil of the coms-tent entrance all that could be heard was the screams of his friends.

Wind on Alww Eitbhe – (Short Story Part 2 of 3)

Negari Aeythi is considered by many to be the most mature boy in his unit. To say that this is an achievement is really to over-estimate the abilities of the others, though, who more closely resemble a pack of feral dire-wolves than a cohesive Ghnootu fighting squad. This is unsurprising. Born out of a need to train a new set of srike-gunts (a direct result of heavy losses from a failed attempt to capture and hack a TC war-bot in a nearby system) a new batch of younglings have been scraped together and thrown into basic training. Young, inexperienced and, in some cases, just plain scared, the new recruits seem to be learning the ropes slower than any that they have had before.

‘Cadet Aeythi, how can I help you?’ The sergeant looks down on the boy with the contempt that only a father could muster and smiles thinly.

‘Sir. I wanted to let you know that there has been movement spotted in the Eastern trees by the high-high division, Sir. But they don’t know what it is. Sir.’

‘Have the high-highs linked to the other units to establish positions?’

‘Aye Sir. All are accounted for. Sir. Downtime just like us. Sir.’

‘Relax boy, you don’t have to ‘sir’ me with every damn breath – every other breath will do. It’s probably just a herd of animals passing through. Migration patterns or something similar. Nothing to worry about.’

‘Yessir. But si… Erm… But they report no heat signatures on the thermal-radars nor any obvious source for the movement. Si… The trees on that flank appear to be moving of their own accord, almost as if there’s some kind of wind. Sir.’

‘Wind, eh? We haven’t had something like that on Alww Eitbhe for quite some time. Not since the solar flares of 54.32.1. Any sightings or reports from other units?’

‘Nosir.’

‘Alright, wait here boy. My gut tells me that it’s nothing, or we would have sensed it by now, but let me check with the scriers and we’ll see if they can explain it.’

With that the sergeant rises to his feet and stalks off towards the com-tent, leaving Aeythi standing alone – uncomfortably – awaiting his return. After about five minutes or so he shifts stiffly, wondering if he’s ever going to get the chance to move again. His ocular ridges sting under the intense heat of the sun, and all three legs were feeling the burn of a particularly intense workout from the night before. Another five minutes passes with no word coming from the com-tent and no sign of the sergeant. This worries Aeythi, who has only ever had conversations of about sixty seconds or less with his commanding officer. The idea that something might take more than a brief exchange suggests to him that something might be wrong – perhaps worse than he had originally believed.  

Meanwhile the other boys, noticing his absence, come to find him and promptly start to make fun of him. Aeythi’s dedication to orders and ambitious dreams of rising through the ranks is stark contrast to the rest of his unit. Most of them want to have fun, with pranking each other being their main pastime. A few of the more rowdy boys take the opportunity of training to hone their fighting skills and practice on the weaker recruits. What none of them are willing to admit is that the rigid rules and restrictions that are placed upon them have had a positive effect.

Five more minutes have passed and still no sign of the sergeant. By this point his absence has been noticed, and Aeythi’s continued attentive stance becomes increasingly a marker of concern.

‘Have you tried calling to him?’

‘Yes, Btontu, I have had a complete conversation with him while I stand here rooted to the spot. He sends his regards and asks you to make sure the safety catch is on your weapon – just so that you don’t shoot yourself. I’m less bothered!’

‘Well fuck you very much dude!’

‘You’re welcome, anytime.’

‘What I meant was, have you asked anyone to go find out what’s happening?’

‘No. I thought about it, but I doubt anyone would be brave enough to risk it. I mean, would you?’ Aeythi fixes his brother-friend with a meaningful stare.  

‘I guess not,’ Btontu says with a sheepish grimace, ‘Remember what happened to Mnentor last month when he asked to go to the toilet?’

‘Gods yeah, he was unable to shit properly for a week!’

The boys laugh at this shared memory of their companion’s embarrassment, but underneath the mirth lies a strong desire not to end up in the same position. It is a bad day to annoy the sergeant.

‘In all seriousness though,’ Btontu sighs, ‘I’m beginning to get a bit worried now. You don’t think that there’s something wrong, do you? That we’ll actually have to fight something?’ As he talked, he gently shifted from foot to foot in agitation.

‘If we do then we will do our duty, I guess. I don’t think it will be an issue though. The sergeant’s gut said it was probably fine. Plus, there hasn’t been a TC raid in months.’

‘Well they’re in peace talks or something aren’t they?’

‘Think so. Not that that will make any difference.’

‘I’ve always wanted to go to a peace talk. I’d put a doo-doo fruit under each delegate’s seat and see what happened. See if I couldn’t start a massive argument and derail the whole proceedings.’

‘Or, you know, start a war…’

‘Nah. Wouldn’t come to that. Not over doo-doo berries. Maybe if I spiked their drinks or something, put lax-‘

‘SHH!’ Aeythi’s hand shoots out to cover Btontu’s mouth. ‘Did you hear that?’

‘Mhhmnfufudmmm?!?!’

‘Shut up’, he hisses, crouching down and pulling his friend down with him. ‘I just heard a rustling, whoosh sound, and if I didn’t know any better I would have said that it was coming from the com-tent. Something is very wrong.’

Slowly, imperceptibly at first, the atmosphere around the camp starts to change. Groups that were happily scuffling with each other break apart and settle down. Another gathering of whakko players wind up the last few shots before leaving the pitch without a thought of clearing up behind them. Rising from the mess-tent tables, food is abandoned and left for the flies. As one, the boys move closer together, uniting gradually into a single, crouching huddle and move towards Aeythi and Btontu.

In the midst of the throng Aeythi stands tall. The boys look to him for instruction – the bonds between them reverberating through the air, invisible but very real.

He has never felt more alone.

Poem For Ukraine (Poem 25.2.22)

A tribute to the brave men and women of a beautiful country.

The Breadbasket is burning…
It wasn’t built to withstand tanks
and guns
and missiles;
A rich and fruitful history
is woven into its very fabric –
a noble people reaped
like the harvests they sowed.

Lies, layer upon layer upon layer…
a reverse-styled nesting doll
where
every layer is bigger
every layer is thicker,
every layer more brazen,
every layer more deadly.

The Breadbasket is burning,
Yet passivity fans the flames…

We stand together and stand united…
but we are not the ones torn asunder –
torn by plunder,
all to satisfy the whims of a greedy despot
that clings to days long passed –
like some demented, power-hungry relic
of a bygone age.

The Breadbasket is burning,
while the high and mighty play games…

Our very own are tainted with the stink…
Its hard to hold the high ground
when you’re sinking in the mire,
paddling harder and harder
against and endless current
 that always seems to run
downhill
befouling the very gutter that you try to call home.

The Breadbasket is burning,
but the match too far to snuff…

The Breadbasket is burning,
when will enough,
finally,
truly,
at last,
ever,
be enough?

Wind on Alww Eitbhe – (Short Story Part 1 of 3)

To the Ghnootu people of Alww Eitbhe, there is one overriding principle to which everyone is expected to contribute: family.

In any given circumstance, and for whatever reason, the needs of the family come first and foremost. Yet the family structures are unconventional, even for those in the Alw star system as a whole. The bonds that are shared between them are more than simply that of relative to relative, sibling to sibling, parent to child, friend to friend. An unyielding psychic link holds them like a steadfast chain, mooring them to the traditional ways that they had always known. Furthermore, as an ostensibly warrior culture, the bonds of military unity tend to override even those of blood relation. Private, unit specific, sub-links and channels tie them together in an intricate web of interconnected loyalty. It is unclear whether or not this connection is biological or sociological.

An interesting outcome of this is an almost complete and harmonious community responsibility. From the eldest sage or highest ranking ‘officer’ (for want of a better term) to the lowliest worker of the serf-caste, all are cared for and protected with the same reverence. Should tragedy befall one unit, others mourn the loss just as deeply. Somewhere through the tangled links and sub-links, each of them is somehow connected to the other.

From the perspective of a society, this has worked entirely to their advantage also. No other society is known to collaborate or work so harmoniously. Warfare is all but unknown, despite their warrior nature, and murder simply does not happen. Their population remains stable; each new birth linked directly to the death rate – with the exception of the occasional expansion or decline to suit the needs of the family as a whole.  Technological growth is fuelled not by a desire for one-upmanship or personal gain, but for how it helped to overcome a shared problem.

This, despite the ever-encroaching imperialism of the Technocracy Consortium.

The TC, as it is more often known (Total Cunts, colloquially) has been working on this sector of the galaxy for centuries now. Intrepid explorer-hives send tendrils creeping across SC112, searching out valuable assets while simultaneously marking pathways for demolition. War-bots scour the inhabited planets for any signs of resistance, while demo-lites disintegrate entire star systems for the sake of a few light-years off a journey.

All in complete ‘secrecy’ of course. Precisely why SC112 is so important has never been made clear – even to those who are executing the planetary executions. Their mission is ostensibly for the betterment of all. But, as is so often the case with the utopian wet dreams of capitalist franchises, the needs of the few, naturally, outweigh the needs of the many – quite the antithesis of the Ghnootu sense of mutuality.

Some believe that maybe there is some clandestine agency that sought to ensnare the sector in its evil clutches. Military minds wondered if it would somehow benefit the HUB campaign, but considering the dice of war were not rolling in their favour that seemed unlikely. Other, more cynical, voices argued that both of these ideas were giving a little bit too much credit to the TC’s abilities of foresight. Whatever the reason, the ultimate effect could not so much be described as chaos but as simply shoddy management strategy.

Oddly, the Ghnootu seem to be the only ones that have the wherewithal to notice all of this. When Explorer Hive Nnthintw arrived on their doorsteps demanding compliance, they simply responded with: ‘Eh… No?’ The captain of the hive was so baffled by this simple rejection that he had no other recourse but to admit defeat and let them get on with it. The paperwork was bad enough as it was without trying to report on the report of a report ad infinitum just to get the war-bots to maybe swing by on their way to something more important.

So it is that, despite the odds, the Ghnootu retain their independence without ever having had to fire a shot. The family structures remain in place and one way or another it seems that they will never merit enough of a concern for the TC top brass to bother with. All things continue in an apparent harmony that neither side wishes to question. Understandably.

I Want To Give You Flowers (Poem: 21.6.21)

Today marks my fifth wedding anniversary with my beautiful wife Helen, and so I thought it appropriate to share this poem that I wrote last summer for her. She’s my best friend, my soulmate and the best person I will ever meet!

I want to give you flowers,
at the beginning of the day;
To show my love will never die,
nor every fly away.

I want to give you flowers
at breakfast every morn;
When coffee’s brew is warming,
and fresh-pressed clothes are worn.

I want to give you flowers,
at work from nine to five;
To show you that I think of you,
with every breath alive.

I want to give you flowers,
at the door when I get home;
For though the day has parted us,
you’ll never walk alone.

I want to give you flowers,
at the dying of the light;
When, finally, we go to bed,
and face the endless night.

I want to give you flowers,
at every minute and every hour;
My heart and soul are yours to have,
to hold them in your power.

I want to give you flowers,
such that in my garden grows;
Healing rifts and filling space,
Like water, glistening, flows.

But I will not give you flowers now,
they wither, then they’re gone;
Yet by your side I know I’ll stay,
as time moves forward forever anon.

The Garden 2.0

There are many gardens, but mine is my own! (Poem: 9.5.20)

I’m not a good painter, but I have fun while doing it!

The red rose charms,
While colourless blends
Of spectral existential
Dread spreads,
Aimlessly, an affront
To the very nature
That it reflects
In a helix pod
Of chaotic ennui.

Seen anew,
A flawless seed disarms
The very fabric of time,
Unassailing in its
Irreverence and blithe
Dismissal of reality
That crops up,
Unexpectedly,
From the farm in mind.

The fruits of golden labour,
Pissing endlessly into
Precipitation and pointless
Preservation of nothing,
Nowhere and no one.
Perhaps with purpose
Hitherto unknown,
But inexorable as the tide
That rinses… Repeats… Remakes…

Hidden still
A glossy nectar
That promises the future
A bounty that awaits,
All of us,
Until it fails and,
Like winter after autumn,
Envelops all again,
Maelstromic and eternal.

The Mad Chameleon

My mental health companion…! (Poem: 11.6.2020)

Design by Helen Houghton-Foster 2020

The afternoon was grim, and grey,
while walking down a country road;
lost in thoughts of recent days,
my movements hunched with heavy load.

Announced beneath oppressive clouds,
That beat the mighty sun,
At last, by throwing back his shroud,
I met the Mad Chameleon.

‘Hark!’ said he,
‘Good day my sweet,
How lovely that we now should meet
Please don’t mind me, I’ll take a seat,
Upon your weary shoulders.’

‘And who are you,
my green-medallioned friend,
who greets me with such levity?’

‘Why I am you, and now I’ll lie,
Upon this spot unseen by eyes,
And ever more until we die,
I’ll be your last companion.’

From whence he came I’ll never know,
Though in some song I’d heard his name,
Perhaps by chance, by winds that blow,
He spoke to them, like me, the same.

Like some disturbed anathema, he calls,
No matter time or day,
And even Heaven’s mighty halls,
His essence burns away.

And almighty Hell, with demons wrath,
would welcome him at home,
But such is not that devil’s way,
Alas, he acts alone.

Day after day, he’s been with me,
Night to night he’s never slept,
Morning on morning, through time’s wide sea,
And evermore, his promise kept.

‘I know you change,’
I once observed,
‘Is there a reason why?’

‘It’s in my nature, you bloody fool,
it’s what we chameleons do!’
And with his scorn,
He changed his form,
To a violent baby blue,
With greenish flecks along his back.

His dark eyes,
Never changing,
Never moving,
Never caring.

‘Alright! Alright!’ I cried,
As people round me stared,
‘Just back off OK, I’m sorry!’
He turned his head as if in worry,
His movements pre-prepared,
‘Just fuck off! Leave me be!’

‘I hate you!
Wait…
Don’t go,
I need you…’

His colour changed again, at length,
To a creeping, sickly yellow,
Insipidly insidious, draining strength,
Pallid, pale and sallow.

An albatross, it once was said,
Hung round the Mariner’s neck,
His painted ship, and weary head,
A hollow, lifeless wreck.

Well so it be with chameleon’s tears,
That make the great bells toll,
And changing colours, through the years
Paint, slowly, the fractious whole.

‘You really won’t leave, me, will you?’
‘No.’ He said,
Sadly,
As the yellow turned to gold.