We all have problematic pasts, and we need to accept and talk about them more openly if we want to successfully become a better society!
I, like much of the world, have been listening to a lot of Bo Burnham recently. I love the songs and I love the way they make me think about the bigger picture. Behind the silliness of songs such as ‘Bezos I’ and ‘Content’, I have increasingly come to conclude that the themes and ideas that are addressed by Burnham are startlingly relevant and deeply important for modern society. If this was a review article, it would get a solid gold 10/10!
But rather than a review I would instead like to talk a little about something that I have been thinking a lot about over the last wee while.
Around thirty-eight minutes into the special, comes a pair of songs that are quite close to the bone for a huge number of people who were born between c.1981 and c.1996! The content (!) of ‘Problematic’ and ‘Turning 30’ is relatable to the point of being painful when you think about it too hard. From feelings of being ‘out of touch’ and the great achievements of other generations before they reached their fourth decade of life,* to growing up in ‘overwhelmingly white’ neighbourhood watching Family Guy in spare time, Burnham gives a broad strokes and humorous overview of an all too familiar life.
Underneath the humour, though, is a clear comment on the fact that, as a generation, we were woefully ignorant about many of the different things that we said or did, and only recently are we really beginning to address it.
Addressing out own pasts, however, is uncomfortable. Accepting the fact that we grew up with rappers normalising the N-word through the 90s and 00s, normalising criminal stereotypes for us, for example, and not properly realising that this was simply not ok. Corner shops were quite openly P Shops and nobody batted an eye. A wave of Islamophobia was sweeping through society after 9/11 and 7/7, in the early 2000s, and wars in Afghanistan and Iraq were ‘necessary to stamp out terror.’ Section 28 was still in full force until 2000 (in Scotland) and 2003 (in England) meaning that LGBTQ+ education was firstly non-existent and subsequently rudimentary.** As a result, words like ‘queer’ had not yet been reclaimed but was common parlance. ‘Gay’ was still synonymous with ‘crap’ and, though still used in this way today, it was not really challenged like it is in modern society. And the less said about ‘heroin-chiq’ and the portrayal of women in music, TV and movies the better.
Through all this, we were exposed to a mountain of highly problematic stuff, made even more available through the internet boom. And even though we were told not to say or do many of these things, much of it was so normalised in popular culture – and so little was called out – that it really didn’t always feel like a massive issue.
Which it is. We know this now. Indeed, many of us are leading the fight to end it (and being labelled ‘snowflakes’ for our trouble).
Yet something that I think we do not always talk about enough is our own part in the problem and how we have made significant mistakes on our journeys through life. Problematic pasts are something that we need to talk about more as a society. Not least because to downplay or outright deny them is dangerous – it sets a precedent of denial and shame that transfers into the demonisation of anyone who makes mistakes or does not know better. Holding people accountable is important, but a legitimate question needs to be asked about whether or not someone should be cancelled based on their past actions or views. Or, more insidiously, on their past thoughts.
It should go without saying that anything illegal is automatically a big no – criminal activity is criminal activity. Similarly, active hate speech or intent to cause violence (physical or otherwise) can fairly justifiably be condemned long after the fact. And yet…
And yet, people can change. A quick google will show you stories of people who used to be homophobic or racist due to upbringing. Omar Sharif and others, for example, have turned their experiences of gang violence into positive action for change. Extremism and discrimination (whether passive or active) in its various forms is more often than not a learned behaviour.
Fun Fact: People can un-learn it. This is the very crux of the PREVENT strategy in the UK, which aims to identify those at risk of radicalisation and to help lead them down a different path – not least though education.***
Change.
Therein lies a key word. Change. I have said and done crappy things in the past. I know I have, and I won’t go into them here. To return to Burnham again: ‘I’ve been totally awful/My closet is chock-full of stuff that is vaguely shitty/All of it was perfectly lawful/Just not very thoughtful at all and just really shitty.’ I hold myself accountable for those actions. I am willing to embrace them, acknowledge them and accept that they were not ok.
But I have changed. I have learned. I have grown as a person. I would (I hope) never do those things again. More than that, though, I make a conscious effort to undo them, break them down and call out those who perpetuate them.
Not by shouting at them, telling them they are wrong and making them feel crap about themselves, though. I would prefer to know why they might feel that way, say that thing, do whatever they are doing. I would prefer to talk to them honestly, to get to the bottom of it and to figure out where the root of their problem lies. I would prefer to discuss the alternatives and try to use reason to make people realise for themselves their errors and to want to change their way of thinking. Purely punishing someone will never work as a way to be heard. All that happens is that the punishment is redirected as further proof of the problem (see those who are critical of trans rights using the word ‘misogynist’ as synonymous with ‘someone who shouted at me and told me I was wrong on twitter.’)
Taking the higher ground in this way does not condone the views of others. It doesn’t give them a platform to spread hatred. Certainly, it does not wipe away a crime or an intended harm. (As said before, a crime is a crime and harm is harm. Denying someone basic human rights is blatantly not ok in any way.) Rather, opening discussion creates a space where issues can be challenged and wounds mended – possibly on both sides.
Before this can happen, though, there is an important step that can be taken in order to free us up to engage with these people: look at yourself and your actions, make peace with them and be allowed to make peace with them.
If you have done crappy stuff (you have!) how would you feel if you had someone angrily shut you down and cancel you, condemn you to always being a ‘bad’ person and gather a bunch of other people they know to insult and shut you down. Would you be willing to change, just like that? Where’s the incentive if you are being forever tarred with that brush. Would you feel sympathy for the people shouting at you, or would you shout back?
Compare: If you have done crappy stuff (you have!) how would you feel if you had someone ask to have a conversation with you about your views. If that person listened to your feelings and concerns without judging you, and was even able to explain to you where there might be issues. Finally, imagine this; that person was able to level with you and share their own past experiences without shame – to go ‘hey, look, I was where you are now. Here’s how I go there and how you could too.’
The reaction would be vastly different in these two scenarios, and one of them is far more likely to bring about positive change than the other.
Naturally, there are some people who would not and will never take this view. There will always be neo-Nazis, Transphobes, racists and generally unpleasant people. Some people do not want, and choose not, to change. That’s just how the world works unfortunately. Sometimes you just have to punch a Nazi, cancel a TERF or simply eat the rich…!****
Which actually leads into another valid point. As I have said in previous posts, I know that there are extremes on both sides of any argument. As I write this I worry that some people are going to try and @me to shout about how I’m ‘normalising intolerance’ or ‘making excuses’ for something like that. To be clear, I am not. I do not want to erase negative behaviours or explain them away. ‘My actions are my own’, as Burnham states, and others’ are their own.
This is part of the problem with my personal views and vision for things. They are mine, based on my own ideal world in which people respond in the best possible way with the best possible motives. I have something of a fundamental belief in the decency of people. I am also aware that I am not perfect. I am an idealist who is just as flawed as the next human. Hell, for all I know I could re-read this in a year or two and have a completely different viewpoint.*****
I am not going to change the world. I am not trying to. This piece is a written version of a bunch of thoughts that have been going around in my head. They come, they go and they change. Some people will agree with me, some people won’t. Tomorrow I might do the complete opposite of calm discussion and shout at a Gender Critical person on Twitter (unlikely, I don’t really use Twitter that way, but still!).
This is not a manifesto, but part of a conversation.
A conversation that I think we need to be having more openly.
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*Wow. When I put it that way that really does put things into a terrifying perspective! I have three decades behind me, half of which I was just a child and the other half I have spent trying to get to grips with life and build several careers that fell flat… Eep! (I do have a wife and pets, though, and I have found my true gender identity, so there’s that!)
** At some point I will write about this issue as well, because the position of LGBTQ+ education in schools is still abysmal!
*** The PREVENT Strategy itself is problematic, not least because it includes protest groups such as Extinction Rebellion, and really needs to be re-evaluated, but the overall principle of intervention and education to steer people away from extreme views is still there.
**** Note: This is a joke – I do not condone violence or cannibalism.
***** Funny thing about people is that we’re fickle and inconsistent like that.
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